This article was written by Kayelene Kerr from eSafeKids.
In 2023 a 9 year old Perth girl was lured into a car by a stranger on her way to school.
Initially the man requested her help to find his lost puppy. The girl responded that she's not allowed to go with strangers and the man told her he wasn't a stranger, he was the Dad of one her friends.
Without minimising this horrific incident, please remember statistically ‘stranger danger’ harm of children is very rare. The overwhelming majority (90%) of children are harmed by someone they know, you know.
What is a Family Safe Word?
A Family Safe Word or Code Word is a designated word, phrase or emoji agreed upon by family members to communicate specific messages or instructions in a discreet way. Make sure everyone knows the importance of it and the role it plays in maintaining their safety.
This word, phrase or emoji is private personal information, only known by your immediate family members and it can be kept a secret.
The word or phrase can be used to signal that a child or family member needs immediate help, that a child is feeling uncomfortable or unsafe and to identify someone who is authorised to collect your child.
This can work well where direct communication might be difficult or unsafe. Reiterate it can be used by your child at anytime, anywhere with anyone if they are feeling uncomfortable, unsure, unsafe or need your help or support.
Why is a Safe Word Needed?
Children are often socialised in ways that say they have to do what adults tell them and they aren't allowed to say no to an adult.
Let your child know that if anyone picks them up and doesn’t know the family safe/code word they have your permission to say no to anyone, a grown-up, a young person, another child - ANYONE!
It is also useful in situations where children are expected not to interrupt adults, such as during conversations. If a child feels uncomfortable or unsafe, they can use the safe word to discreetly communicate their concerns.
For example, a parent shared with me that during a playdate, her child observed another child being touched inappropriately by another child but didn’t want to speak up in front of the other parent. The child waited until they were alone with their parent to reveal what had happened and this was some hours after it occurred.
Problem Solving: One Step Removed
This is also an opportunity to practice one step removed problem solving skills.
“What could someone do if …"
Someone is looking for a lost pet
Someone offers lollies
Someone asks for directions
Someone said they were sent to pick you up because it’s raining / your parent is sick / parent is held up at work or an appointment.
Sleepovers and Playdates
If your child is at a sleepover, playdate, the park or any other location and they use the family safe word, it signals that they need you to come get them. When picking them up, avoid mentioning the safe word; simply say something came up that required you to collect them earlier than planned.
For older children, you might also teach them to say they have an upset stomach if they want to leave a situation without directly expressing discomfort. A headache is less effective as it’s often easily treated, whereas an upset stomach generally prompts quicker action to get them home, nobody wants someone with gastro or a tummy hug hanging around.
In addition to this I suggest we teach children if they’re ever at a place they normally feel safe and they start to feel unsafe this could now be a ‘tricky place’.
If they’re with someone they know and usually enjoy spending time with but this person behaves (words or actions) in a ‘tricky way’, this person may now feel like a ‘tricky person’.
Encourage children to speak with a trusted adult if they ever have an experience with a tricky person, tricky place or tricky behaviour.
Reassure children if they are too afraid to say no or move away from someone because of who they are or they’ve been threatened it’s not their fault and encourage them to talk with a trusted adult as soon as they can. If you don’t want to use the language ‘tricky people’ you could use ’unsafe people'.
Child Friendly Book: My Tricky Eye Spy
Introducing the concept of 'tricky people', this book cleverly overcomes the 'Stranger Danger' perception of the dark, scary man being the only person to watch out for. Using rhyming language, bright colourful illustrations, a detective theme and child-friendly humour, this book engages children and makes the conversation easy for parents, carers and educators.
It teaches children what behaviours to look out for. The language used is
“You see most strangers are friendly, most strangers are nice, they meet you and greet you, give helpful advice. But very few strangers (to meet one is rare) could make us unsafe so we must be aware. These people are tricksters we’ll tell them apart not by their looks but by using our smarts ..."
Read more here.
Update November 2024: Ryan Ashley Darken admitted abducting and sexually abusing the girl. He was sentenced to 11 years' jail. You can read more here.
My thoughts are with the child and her family, the trauma that an incident like this causes can be significant.
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About The Author
Kayelene Kerr is recognised as one of Western Australia’s most experienced specialist providers of Protective Behaviours, Body Safety, Cyber Safety, Digital Wellness and Pornography education workshops. Kayelene is passionate about the prevention of child abuse and sexual exploitation, drawing on over 27 years’ experience of study and law enforcement, investigating sexual crimes, including technology facilitated crimes. Kayelene delivers engaging and sought after prevention education workshops to educate, equip and empower children and young people, and to help support parents, carers, educators and other professionals. Kayelene believes protecting children from harm is a shared responsibility and everyone can play a role in the care, safety and protection of children. Kayelene aims to inspire the trusted adults in children’s lives to tackle sometimes challenging topics.
About eSafeKids
eSafeKids strives to reduce and prevent harm through proactive prevention education, supporting and inspiring parents, carers, educators and other professionals to talk with children, young people and vulnerable adults about protective behaviours, body safety, cyber safety, digital wellness and pornography. eSafeKids is based in Perth, Western Australia.
eSafeKids provides books and resources to teach children about social and emotional intelligence, resilience, empathy, gender equality, consent, body safety, protective behaviours, cyber safety, digital wellness, media literacy, puberty and pornography.
eSafeKids books can support educators teaching protective behaviours and child abuse prevention education that aligns with the Western Australian Curriculum, Australian Curriculum, Early Years Learning Framework (EYLF) and National Quality Framework: National Quality Standards (NQS).
